Alkhara Majere's Short WoW Story- Starting, need feedback.

[Alkhara Majere]

Hagnus was a Priest, as was his Father before him. The Light had warmed his old bones, had filled him with the energy he had needed to fight the illnesses in small villages, towns, and cities alike. The Light is what had filled him with the power to smite the living and the undead alike when they had attacked him and others. He had devoted his life to the Light, because he owed his life to it.

After fifty years of healing, curing, and killing, Hagnus had retired the best he could. Some of the services he had preformed had paid well, other not at all. But over the years, he had a plentiful amount of un-touched gold sitting in the Ironforge Vault. He had purchased a small home in the Mountains, and lived well.

Here he had lived with his mate, Gwiliven. She had been a human, but they had loved each other deeply. Gwiliven was a novice in the Order of the Silver Hand, a Paladin. Her death had shook the Dwarf greatly, bringing him out of his simple life, and offering his services to the Alliance once again. And they took him back gratefully, for the Alliance needed his help. Everyone’s help.

High Priest Rohan had sent him to the Night Elvin capital city, Darnassus. He had not questioned Rohan, but couldn’t help but wonder why the Night Elves would need him. They had many Priests of their own, in their Temples or all around Azeroth. And what their Priests couldn’t handle, their Druids could.
It had been a long trip. He had taken a ride from a Griffon to MenitillHarbor. He loved the beasts, but they were becoming rarer and rarer as the need for them increased. The flight had been brief...but enjoyable all the same. The heat of Ironforge had almost been too much for him, after all of these years outside of it.
He was very lucky upon landing at the small town. After entering the local inn for a stiff drink, he came across a human mage. After some friendly talk, some silver changed hands, and the human gladly used his knowledge of the Arcane to summon a portal to Hagnus's destination.

The trip through the portal was not a pleasant one, but had saved him many days at sea, for which he was grateful. He appeared inside of the Temple of Elune, of which he was familiar. No one greeted him, although the room was not empty. Several Priests and several of the Night Elvin guards, the Sentinels, were deep in prayer. Not wanting to disturb them, he walked silently to the entrance. Silence was not an attribute generally applied to Dwarfs (that were not Rogues!), but Hagnus had the talent all the same. He walked past the opening in the front of the temple, and paused. This was not his first visit to the home of the Kaldorei, but the sight of their splendid city had yet to lose its effect on the old Dwarf.

"Greetings, Respected Sire," A Elf approached him, using a title of great respect among the Dwarves. The elf was clothed in a black robe, which Hagnus found very odd...and strangely upsetting. This elf bowed deeply to him, however, and Hagnus returned the bow. "If you would be so kind as to follow me, Sire, I will take you to your destination." he continued in the common language of the Alliance. Hagnus nodded, briefly.

Hagnus followed his ‘guide’. He was taken through a portal of some sorts, and found himself at the bottom of the Life tree that the Kaldorei call home. His guide spoke, “I will leave you now. At the end of the pier you see, a ship will arrive. Take it to Darkshore, and you will be given your ‘task’ there.” This was known to the dwarf, but the elves never seemed to get enough of the sound of their own voice.
Within an hour, he found himself at Darkshore. The moment he stepped off of the boat, he was greeted by, of all things, a human. Humans and Dwarves in the Night elf lands were not unheard of, but certainly not this common, he thought!

At first glance, the human appeared to be a simple warrior. Taking a moment to study the human, Hagnus spotted the signs and symbols of a Knight of the Silver Hand, a Paladin. He was reminded of Gwiliven in this human male’s proud stance. Quickly shaking his head to remove all thought of her, Hagnus spoke.
“Greetings, Knight.” Hagnus uttered, without ceremony, of which he was not a fan of. The Knight bowed deeply and gave his name, which was Aurrius. Hagnus noticed then, and not before, the groups of Elves and Men alike clusted on the pier and the shore. How he had missed them, he did not know. “I must be getting old,” the Dwarf mutter aloud, into his beard, so that only himself and Aurrius heard him.
Aurrius noted Hagnus’s glaces and unease. He started chuckling to himself, queitly, but Hagnus noted it all the same.

“What in the Light is so damn funny, Paladin?” It was a mark of the dwarfs displeasure that he did not use the Knights name or rank, as was custom.

“Well sir, you look surprised!” Aurrius sounded amused, but it was forced, and everbody present knew it. “But then again, I have been told that you have been alone for quite some time, yes?” Hagnus simply glared, and Aurrius, even being the Knight and soldier he was, shrunk a little under that stare.

“The thing I heard about these lands were that the Horde and the Scouge had no intrest in them, for the time being.” Hagnus said, gruffly. He did indeed feel old and ‘out of the loop’, as gnomes are often said to say.

“Well, Priest…..that has changed”.

Its a rough start.
Feedback.

[Onemore]

First post in an epic thread.

I like it!!
More please : D

+ rep

[Coach]

Great work, Alkhara!

Just one thing I want to point out:

"Greetings, Respected Sire," An Elf approached him, using a title of great respect among the Dwarves

But yeah, great job, looking forward to more

Edit; Second post, does that make me epic? o.o

[weaselking1973]

nice work so far, looking forward to more.

[Alkhara Majere]

Originally Posted by Errage

Great work, Alkhara!

Just one thing I want to point out:



But yeah, great job, looking forward to more

Edit; Second post, does that make me epic? o.o

Thanks for pointing that out, its that kind of feedback I'm after.
And no, sadly this does not make you epic.
It makes you Rare.

[Equ1N0X]

Great job. just one thing

Greetings, Respected Sire," A Elf approached him, using a title of great respect among the Dwarves

Sire? Sire of what? of who? A slight misuse of a word unless you're using it to hint at Our dwarf having a son/foster son, or being the personal teacher of another.

other than this and a misspelling her or there, great work. you should go for full-fledged Book. Contact Metzen and tell him that as MMOwned Super Mod you wanna write the next great Warcraft book, see what happens.

[Frogzilla]

Originally Posted by Alkhara Majere

He had taken a ride from a Griffon to Menithil Harbor.

Some of the services he had performed had paid well, others not at all.

High Priest Rohan had sent him to the Night elven capital city, Darnassus.

Just throwing that out there. I read all of it, it's looking good.

[Alkhara Majere]

Originally Posted by tinkerfoe

Great job. just one thing

Contact Metzen and tell him that as MMOwned Super Mod you wanna write the next great Warcraft book, see what happens.

Hah.
I really should.

Thanks for the feedback mates. Hoping to get a lot more before continuing.

Now, ideas. Brain storm a little...if you have something you want in it, say so.

[Haq]

Very nice for a rough draft, even for a short story. But a few things.

1-Keep up the storyline. It's what is keeping me entranced. I like the way you used his old wife's Pally background to keep up with current event.

2-You are doing a good job with the pacing, but a little more background info would be nice. Possibly a specific incident involving his father which had him choose to become a Priest as well.

Overall, I'm definately interested in reading the 2nd part of the 'series' as it were

Keep up the good work.

Remember, there is no such thing as 'bad' criticism, as my old writing coach used to tell me.

[Alkhara Majere]

Thanks for the advice Haq, that is exactly what I am looking for.

[Technique]

alk , the paladin should be very alike to the paladin he was in love with , so he would be happy to meet someone again like her ..

i like it though! would love to see what comes next , +1 : )

[Weekday]

I like it! You should make a book or atleast a 10 pages story !

Want to see more of it. Good job!

[Alkhara Majere]

Originally Posted by Technique

alk , the paladin should be very alike to the paladin he was in love with , so he would be happy to meet someone again like her ..

i like it though! would love to see what comes next , +1 : )

I was thinking of adding a human female soldier- brash, bold, and without the Light, but damned if she is not a lot like his old wife.

[Technique]

you should make a human female warrior , like very brute and stuff .. so he can heal her : P

[Alkhara Majere]

Originally Posted by Technique

you should make a human female warrior , like very brute and stuff .. so he can heal her : P

Thats the general idea, aye.